The Enterprise In A Frenzy
by malfoy lea
Summary: Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk imports "love bugs" from his latest diplomatic mission, vectors of a weird mating disease. And who is in charge to straighten out the mess the bugs cause on the Enterprise? Leonard McCoy, of course. Just great.
1. Chapter 1

**The Enterprise In An Unexpected Frenzy**

Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk imports "love bugs" from his latest diplomatic mission, vectors of a weird mating disease. And who is in charge to straighten out the mess the bugs cause on the Enterprise? Leonard McCoy, of course. Just great.

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"Bones?"  
"I'm busy, Jim."  
"Bones, it's urgent."  
"It's always urgent with you."  
"No, this time I'm serious."  
"If it was that serious, you would call me from the bridge, and not your quarters. Are you aware what time it is?"  
"Well, uh…"

There were two seconds of silence.

"It's 4 am. Why are you busy anyway? Shouldn't you be sleeping in your bed right now?"  
"You're damn right, I should, Jim! But since you invaded our ship with these little bugs…"  
"I'm calling because of that, Bones."  
"Well, I hope you're joking, Jim! Not you, too?"

"Umm…"

"Why did I even ask? The sickbay is full to bursting! Thanks to you, Jim. Please lock yourself in, I don't have time for that. Even Spock is infected, and Uhura can't handle him any longer. Currently, there are 964 people on this ship, and although I gave order that no one is to leave their rooms until I gave them the antidote, my infirmary is a madhouse. Really, Jim, I will come to you as soon as possible. NO, SULU, JAYLAH DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOUR SCEPTER! I AM POSITIVE SHE IS FAMILIAR WITH THE ANATOMY OF THE MALE HUMAN BODY!"

"Bones, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but indeed it is very urgent, if you know what I mean."

Leonard McCoy sighed deeply. The loud noises in his sickbay began to create a headache in the back of his skull.

"Bones?" Captain Kirk sounded disturbed. "Oh my god, was that Sulu? Why is Jaylah giggling?"

Doctor Leonard McCoy's instincts told him to ignore his captain.

"Jim. In what kind of urgent need are you? Are you about to do something stupid or have you already done it?"

Silence. Leonard McCoy heard his captain breathe and knew what it meant. Defeated, he asked:

"Who is it?"  
"You know Scotty's colleague?"  
"The little monster man? I didn't know you were gay."  
"No, Bones, the other one. Gorgeous, big titti- breasts, long legs, of Adianon race, Risa is the name."  
"Damnit Jim, have you an idea how fertile those Adianons are?! Within two hours…"

"Yes."

"I'm on my way. SULU, PUT THAT BACK IN! Oh wow, he's well equipped, our lieutenant."

"Bones! Hurry up! It's been already fifty five minutes! Oh god, she's coming at me again! Uff. Uh… ah… What are you - yes, there… I love your dots..."

"Jim?"

"Bones?"

"Hold on a second. Spock. Spock! Oh please, not again. I thought you were Half-Vulcan, for god's sake. What, Uhura wasn't a virgin? I'm sorry I'm the one who has to break it to you, but women at her age mostly aren't. Ouch, Uhura! That wasn't meant to be an insult. You look great, really. No, Spock, I don't care about your customs right now. No, I can't and won't repair her virginity. Commander Uhura, stop hitting Commander Spock! Jim? Jim! No, Uhura, please, are you two always that… enthusiastic? Not in my infirmary! Immediately stop kissing each other and go back to hitting. That's my girl. Well, I will be gone for a moment, and I will lock you all up in here. It's for your own safety, and the safety of the rest of the crew. Jim? I'm on my way."

Leonard McCoy hastened down the hallways. Once he left the madness of the Enterprises' sickbay, it was eerily quiet. Due to the epidemy, only crew members who had already been vaccinated by the doctor himself were allowed to leave the room.

"Well, Bones, maybe… ah… Risa, you're killing me. Why didn't we do that earlier?"

"Jim?"  
"Oh god…"  
"JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!"  
"Oh, hello again, could you… come in about an hour?"  
"No, Jim, pull yourself together."

"That's hard. Stop laughing, Risa. Yes, you can't imagine how hard it is… to hold myself back, I mean."

Leonard McCoy coughed.

"Of course. But no, I will not wait another hour. I'm in front of your door now, and if you don't open it I will blow the whole thing apart. Remember, you don't want to become a father that soon. I wasn't able to prevent three pregnancies by now. You and your love interest will not be the fourth! Just imagine the ship in a few months…"

Leonard McCoy stormed into the room as soon as the door unlocked, outflinging the antidote.

"Bones, you know how I hate needles." James Tiberius Kirk wailed, awaiting him stark naked. Leonard McCoy rammed the needle into the captain's biceps.

"It smells in here."

The woman, fair skinned with yellow and blue dots, answered with a grin.

"It smells like adult people having fun."

Without a further word Leonard McCoy injected her the antidote.

They sank to the floor. Leonard McCoy sighed, relieved. He shook his head. "Dear Jim, if there's ever been a captain capable of putting a whole starship crew into a wild mating frenzy, he would be nothing compared to you."

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AN: Just watched the new Star Trek movie yesterday and I loved how the characters cared for and made fun of each other. Poor Bones...


	2. Chapter 2

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Captain James Tiberius Kirk groaned, then looked down at his naked body. He was speechless, if only for a second. Then he met eyes with Risa.

"What has come over us?" He asked thunderstruck. "When Scotty beamed me up, I didn't feel as if I had been infected, and then I saw you, and that's the last thing I remember."

He looked up.

"Officer Risa, I am terribly sorry if I compromised you in any way. I didn't do you harm, did I?"

The Adianon shook her head.

"I wasn't myself either, captain."

There was an awkward pause.

"Did Bones give you…?"  
"Doctor McCoy left me a contraception pill; specially designed for my race. There's a reason my planet is so overpopulated. We're lucky Doctor McCoy saved us in time."

Thankfully, said Doctor decided to make an appearance in this very moment.

"Well, my lovebirds, everything back to normal? Jim, you look as if you were out on another suicide slash save the universe mission and your enemy just pointed out that you don't wear any pants. Maybe that's because you don't wear any."

Captain James Tiberius Kirk jumped up and offered officer Risa his personal bed linen. She took it, saluted and went out of the door, which Leonard McCoy closed after her. James Tiberius Kirk sacked down the wall again.

"A situation report, please."

"We're drifting through space via autopilot, but the surrounding solar systems belong to the Federation, consequently, we are safe. Nearly the whole crew was incapacitated for the last thirty two hours. The love bugs' disease doesn't leave permanent damage on the survivors, except their hurt pride. Spock behaved ridiculously. My suggestion is that we must not let him forget that."

Captain Kirk snorted but agreed.

"The infirmary is full, but in the meantime I have vaccinated enough of our people that we can continue our journey. Commander Sulu told everyone he was gay, but I can't really believe it."

"He doesn't seem like a gay type of man."

"Is there a gay type of man?"

"Well, the last three and a half years we spent more than twelve hours a day together, and he never told me. Wouldn't you, I don't know, notice something?"

"Actually, I haven't met that many gay people. Or, to put it in other words, I don't really care. There are weirder forms of sexuality in space than the human race will ever be able to explore."

"But what if…" Captain Kirk had a thoughtful expression on his face. Leonard McCoy feared their conversation would soon become as ridiculous as Spock's behavior last night. "What if a woman feels like a man? A man trapped in a woman's body?"

Leonard McCoy sighed. "You mean Bernd, who does our taxes."

"And what is if there's a woman who feels like a man but also likes men. Is that still called gay?"

"Jim, I really don't want to talk about that stuff. Live and let live, and be happy that I'm there with the contraception pills when you need them."

"But what if…"

"JIM! Are you feverish? No, your forehead is cold. If you're that interested in that stuff, why don't you quit being the captain of the Enterprise in order to study cultural anthropology or gender studies?"

James Tiberius Kirk made an appalled sound.

"That's right. For your information, there's a gay club on deck nine. And that's the last thing I will say to that matter. There are still more than enough dunderheads in my infirmary with nothing in their minds than to procreate, I don't need you to talk nonsense, too."

Leonard McCoy shuddered.

"Poor Spock, he's not really romantic, is he?"

"He and Uhura have a very… physical relationship, I had the misfortune to find out."

"Doctor McCoy! Doctor McCoy!" Someone pounded on the door. "Officer Chekov escaped, and now he's running through the machine rooms! He sings the Bohemian Rhapsody, and it's awful! Sadly, he knows the place so well we haven't been able to catch him yet."

Captain James Tiberius Kirk shook his head in exasperation. Doctor Leonard McCoy scowled at him.

"Jim, that's entirely your fault. Never in my life have I seen so many naked people at once, and I deeply wish to forget some of them. Do you still have Chekov's alcohol? After everything has calmed down a bit, you will get drunk with me. You owe me that."

"I am deeply sorry, Bones, and it's an honor for me to get wasted with my most capable crew member. Can you promise me one thing? This is one of our adventures in space we will never ever lose a word about in public."

"Sounds reasonable to me."

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 **equine 14: None taken :D it won't get any better.**

 **Geccarenee13: Thanks, and here you are.**


	3. Chapter 3

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"Gentlemen, welcome back to the bridge. Dr McCoy said you're fully recovered, so there shouldn't be any problems. Commander Spock?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I trust you to be in control again, but I ask you to maintain a safety distance to Lieutenant Uhura at any time."

Commander Spock's face was unreadable, but Chekov gave a laugh, hastily turning it into a cough.

"Of course, captain."

"Ah, it's good sitting here again. Scotty, everything alright down there?"

"No damage taken."

"How about our Warp power?"

"One hundred percent at free disposal."

"Perfect. Lieutenant Commander Sulu?"

"We're ready for take-off."

"Thank god, let's leave this place behind. I heard you were a fan of Queen, Chekov?"

Officer Pavel Chekov blanched.

"Captain, did you hear me?"

"No, not personally."

"I did."

"You did, Lieutenant Uhura?"

"Yes."

She shivered as if remembering a distant nightmare.

"Once I escaped my partner."

Everyone turned to Commander Spock. Oh no, although life on the Enterprise offered so few opportunities to entertain oneself, they never missed good gossip.

"I hid near the protective shield generators and Mr Chekov happened to run past me, loudly singing. And he was bare-chested, I might add."

Chekov hid his face behind his hands.

"I'm so sorry you had to experience that, Lieutenant Uhura. I'm so sorry, captain."

"Mr Chekov didn't wear his shirt?"

Commander Spock asked. Captain James Tiberius Kirk raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, are we jealous now, Commander?"

"I got a signal."

"Of course I am not jealous, this feeling is completely illogical."

"Yes, my dear Spock, I know you act only logically in all situations."

Commander Spock decided to remain silent.

"Oh, yes, I saw him trying to make Lieutenant Uhura a love bite yesterday," Sulu felt the need to comment.

"Captain James T. Kirk?"

"Quiet, everybody! Lieutenant Uhura, who is this?"

"It's the President of Suynlus, the planet next to Sesselus."

"Do I have to speak to him now?"

"Yes."

"Well, I guess it would be impolite to ignore him. Everyone on their places, act normal. Let him through."

There were five seconds of chaotic shuffling. Lieutenant Uhura straightened her shirt and Lieutenant Commander Sulu popped out his lollipop and hid it out of view of the camera. Commander Spock stayed at exactly the place he was.

"Here is James T. Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise."

The face of a middle-aged alien appeared on the screen.

"Captain Kirk? My name is Shurtus Bhylus, president of Synlus. We heard you landed on Sesselus. Didn't you receive our warning signals? For this planet, all hope is lost. We were forced to evacuate it last year because of the love bug's disease. I heard with shock that you landed on the planet. Are you and the crew alright? Do you need help? Our fleet is big enough, and we have experience in dealing with the love bug's disease. It's the curse of our solar system."

Captain Kirk fought for a regal expression.

"I am honored by your concern, but we are not in need of help."

The president's face showed surprise.

"Have the bugs somehow left the planet? Are you sure you haven't seen any of them? If that was the case, we could colonize Sesselus again."

"Not exactly."

"What do you mean?"

"The bugs are still a plague on Sesselus, but we managed to gain the upper hand. The enterprise is safe and sound, thanks to our Doctor McCoy here."

"Hello there," Doctor Leonard McCoy said.

"Well then… Seems I have to congratulate you. Not many starships land on Sesselus and leave our solar system with a clear mind."

"The Enterprise and its crew have faced dangers and challenges far more dangerous than a fleeting disease. However, I thank you for your concern. Our mission was to check on the situation there. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but a new colonization of Sesselus seems impossible right now."

"Thank you for the information. If there's nothing we can do for you, we wish you a good journey. Live a life of thousand suns, Captain James T. Kirk."

"Thank you, Mr Shurtus Bhylus. You too."

The screen went black.

"Did I say his name right? How do you even spell that?"

Suddenly Leonard McCoy began to guffaw.

"`The Enterprise faced worse dangers than a fleeting disease´," he mimicked his captain. "Thank god no one will ever know what happened here the last few days!"

"What happens in outer space, stays in outer space," captain James Tiberius Kirk said cryptically.

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	4. Chapter 4

A week later:

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"Mr Montgomery Scotty?"  
"Lassie, turn that music down! I can't hear a thing. Yes, Jaylah?"  
"About Sulu…"  
"Not again! I've heard enough stories this week. You know, apparently he's gay."

Jaylah grinned. It looked dangerous.

"What's funny about that?"  
"Did you know I have two nipples on every breast?"

Scotty froze, then quickly put his hands on his ears.

"I don't want to hear it! Seriously, was I the only one who actually locked themselves in? I'm not interested."

"Sulu was."

"SCOTTY! What's going on down there? We suddenly fell back on 65 % acceleration power, has something happened? "

"Sorry, captain." Scotty immediately put his hands back on the table and guiltily pushed a few buttons. "Everything's alright, captain. Just a tiny… interference. Nothing dramatic. What did you say, lassie? "

"He got so excited. It's meant to grow and be like, hard, isn't it?"

Scotty simply stared at her. Then the image of Sulu's naked body came to his mind.

"Stop, lassie, stop right here." He said. "I really don't want to imagine that. We're three and a half years into this mission now, and I successfully avoided naked bodies so far."

They worked in amicable silence for a few minutes until Scotty couldn't hold it back any longer.

"And… Did you two… eh… do anything?" he finally asked.

Jaylah looked at him, calculating.

"No. I told him I got a man down in the machine rooms."

Scotty looked to the small alien next to him, then over the handrail. Hundreds of male redshirts worked down there.

When he met her eyes, realization dawned on his face.

"Wait. What. Me?!"

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	5. Chapter 5

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Commander Spock and Captain Kirk took their trays and looked for a free seat. During mealtime, even the Officers' lunchrooms were crowded.

"We are on a five year mission and the food still tastes abysmally."

"Captain, it's not all about you."

"Spock, I personally like the cook, but he's not exactly doing a great job in providing food for humans."

"You could let the computer compose a meal for you. This would minimize the cook's work. Additionally, you would not need to face social interactions."

"Quiet, Spock. The social interactions are the only reason I still eat in the lunchroom and not in my quarters, despite the atrocious taste."

Captain James Tiberius Kirk picked at his food, a grey mass of undefined carbs.

"Is he complaining again?" Leonard McCoy sat down next to them. "Maybe he should try something healthy for once, an apple, for example."

"Bones, you look better."

"Indeed, your complexion resembles significantly more the one of a healthy male human than last week."

"Oh, shut up, you two."

"Hey, what's this?"

Captain James T. Kirk whispered.

"What?"

"Captain, I really don't think this kind of secrecy is needed here."

"Just look at them."

"Oh my god."

"My experienced eyes tell me of unresolved tensions between these two specimens. I could go as far as assuming they are bonded in the same way as Lieutnant Uhura and I am."

Leonard McCoy plunged his elbows deep between Commander Spock's ribs.

"Ouch! I don't see a reason why it would be necessary for you to-"

"Really, Spock. Speak a little bit louder and the whole crew hears what we are talking about."

"Captain!"

"I will see to it at once!"

Leonard McCoy drew his syringes and sneaked up behind Jaylah and Scotty. Before they saw him, he had already stabbed them.

"You don't think you're overreacting?"

Captain Kirk called from his table.

"I won't risk another infection of the love bugs' disease. I've lost too much sleep last week," was the answer.

The two just looked a little bit flabbergasted from being attacked from behind but showed no other reaction. Leonard McCoy was relieved.

"Seems the attraction is genuine," he said while returning to his colleagues. "No love bugs' disease involved."

Captain Kirk just shook his head and continued to pathetically stare at his food.

"Back to the topic. Really, Jim, the cook has to provide food for thirty different races. You can't expect him to excel at any meal. The pancakes this morning weren't that bad."

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 **AN:**

 **Thanks ster j,** **eva505 and guest :D**


	6. Chapter 6

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Leonard McCoy didn't feel well. He didn't feel well most of the time; the stupidity and stubbornness around him caused him headaches. How was it even possible to hurt oneself by playing strip poker? The concerned engineer looked embarrassed, but the bleeding eye had priority right now. Explosions and sicknesses, Leonard McCoy could understand. But a fucking pen in the eye? Well, he wasn't the Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise for nothing. Additionally, he felt a different kind of not feeling well today.

So while he carried out the surgery, he felt his body heating up. Right when he scanned the engineer for the last time to make sure everything was alright, his hands started to shiver. What the fuck was that? He didn't have time for that; his sickbay was full, as always.

So of course he stayed.

And then he was called to the bridge.

"Bones! I need you to look at that. And, uh, Chekov is slightly injured."

Trust Jim to call when he was so busy he didn't even have time to go to the toilet.

"Jim, what have you done?!"

From the corner of his eyes he saw another patient being carried into the room. He cursed.

"This has to be worth it, Jim! I hate abandoning my sickbay just because you are in need of a talk."

"You hate almost everything, Bones," came the infuriating answer. Leonard McCoy gritted his teeth.

"Nurse!" he barked at the girl next to him. "Inform Doctor M'Benga he is needed in the sickbay. And tell the Head Nurse I'm being called away and she is in charge. When I return I expect nothing destroyed, and for god's sake, please don't hurt each other!"

She nodded hastily, made the call and went in search for Head Nurse Chapel. Leonard left the sickbay. He nearly made it to the turbolift before he collapsed.

"Damn," he muttered while sinking down the wall. His heart raced and the floor didn't seem to be horizontal anymore.

He heard footsteps coming nearer. Great, just when he was embarrassing himself.

"Doctor! Do you need help?"

'Do I look like it?' He wanted to answer, but since her answer would probably be 'yes', he let it be. Then he looked up. Head Nurse Chapel stood in front of him, an expression of deep concern on her face. He had never seen something so beautiful.

"Christine…" he said.

"What?" She asked, shocked. He guessed she had thought he didn't even know her first name. How could she even stand there when the whole ship was bending to the left?

"Christine," he said again. "You're so beautiful. But not just your face. You have a beautiful heart, and a beautiful brain. It's like your heart exploded all over your face and made it beautiful, too."

His Head Nurse thought about it for a while, then shrugged.

"That's the most disturbing thing I ever heard from you, doctor," she said while kneeing down to help him on his feet. "And that means something. Come with me. Something is wrong with you, and I need to run a scan over you."

"No!" he exclaimed. "I need to go to the bridge!"

She frowned.

"You're not going anywhere!"

"Accompany me?" he asked in a little boy's voice.

Head Nurse Chapel sighed.

"You're in no condition to work, doctor."

"Hey, Christine, that's my sentence!"

"See what I mean?"

"No, but I could show you in my room."

For the first time, she looked really taken aback, and Leonard McCoy wondered why.

"Erm…" she said slowly. "I don't think I should be in a room with you right now, doctor."

"But why not?" he wailed. "I'll be damned if I go to my own sickbay to let me be treated. I refuse to go there. Bring me to my room, Christine."

"Well, then…"

Something told him she didn't agree, but he didn't mind. Her arm supported him around the waist, and it definitely felt nice. Also, he was much bigger than her, and the new uniforms were a little revealing. Well, he wasn't one to complain.

"What do you think about?" she asked suddenly, and before he could think of an appropriate answer, he blurted out:

"Your cleavage!"

That was when he finally realized that something had to be wrong with him. He was never, ever tactless to women. He was a grumpy old man, although Jim always insisted that he wasn't even _that_ old, and he insulted his nurses all the time, but he would never objectify them.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Seems I got distracted."

Head Nurse Chapel surprised him with laughing out loud.

"What is it?" he asked annoyed.

"I never thought you'd be that cute when infected with the love bug's disease."

"I'm not ill!"

"With all due respect, doctor, you most certainly are."

"But I took all the precautions! Hell, I saved the whole damned ship from madness."

"That's true, doctor. But you behave so totally unlike yourself there's no other explanation."

"Did I ever tell you that you have strikingly blue eyes? Even Jim's eyes aren't that icy blue."

To his amazement, Head Nurse Chapel blushed. It looked nice on her. Moments later he realized he had said that aloud.

"Please, doctor, stop these compliments. It makes me feel uneasy," she said. Leonard McCoy looked her over.

"You don't look like you are feeling unwell," he finally said. "Judging from the blush on your cheeks you like it."

She glared at him.

"Now you sound like Commander Spock!"

"I sound like that damned Vulcan?! I sincerely apologize for that."

Head Nurse Chapel just shook her head.

They arrived at his quarters. He tipped in the code, then turned to her when the door opened.

"Do you want to come in?"

Head Nurse Chapel declined. She seemed to be nervous. Interesting. Why was she nervous now?

"No, doctor. Please, lay down. I will return with the antidote as fast as I can."

He smiled at her.

"Thanks, Christine. I will do that."

She grinned, obviously relieved. Well, he'd be damned if he let that chance pass.

"Christine?" he asked.

She looked up, and he bent down. Their lips met in a firework, hers warm and soft and inviting, and he felt his heart race. She didn't push him away immediately, so he reached out and laid his hands on her waist, drawing her nearer. He felt something on his neck. Without looking he knew that she had laid her arms around him, and he grinned into the kiss. A little nearer, and he could feel her breasts pressing against his chest. Perfect.

Then he felt a sting.

Suddenly the world around him lost the dream-like softness, and the colours went back to being clear and clean.

Confused, he let go of his Head Nurse and looked around, meeting the eyes of a broadly grinning Captain James T. Kirk.

Head Nurse Chapel took a step back. She looked dazed.

"Well," Jim laughed. He had a used hypospray in his hands. "Seems even our CMO isn't safe from the love bugs' disease. But I have to admit, you two are too cute."

Leonard McCoy looked back to Head Nurse Chapel, who stared at the floor.

"Damnit, Jim!" he said without force, turned around and hit his door shut.

He could still hear his friend laugh, but he felt completely ashamed of what he had done to Head Nurse Chapel. He would never be able to look her in the eyes again.

Leonard McCoy wasn't seen in the sickbay until the next morning.

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 **AN: Thanks eva505 :)**

 **These scenes originally came to me about two weeks ago when I couldn't sleep, and although I love Star Trek and all its characters, the story doesn't really have a plot or something. I consider this as finished (although Bones and Chapel should probably work it out) and leave this crazy people be. Hope you had fun!**

 **Maybe there will come another chapter, but only if I feel like it :P**


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